empty handed

if there was a picture to describe the way i feel right now, this is it.
i am letting go.
i am empty handed.
my heart feels numb.
i have peace it will all work out

i am not completely sure this is necessarily a good place to be. given my past choices made during this time, they have been emotional and somewhat destructive to myself and my faith.
i am in a little healthier place over all, but i am still not completely sure about all of it.

this morning my boss, Mr. Rowley delivered gifts from his wife (whom i love!!). little red goodie bags presented with Merry Christmas and chocolate!!! attached to the bad was a quote from Corrie ten Boom. It has been messing with me all day……
:never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God:

like everyone, there are heavy questions on my heart, but i know something that many people do not know. I know GOD. the God of the universe. the God of the ages. the God of yesterday, today and forevermore!   a God who loves me inspite of my stubborn and at times unyeilding heart. a God that knows my inner most thoughts.  a God who is delighted in me.  a God that is worthy of all my praise and honor.

i am empty handed…

i am right where i need to be…..

Read Full Post »

what God is teaching me…..

this weekend i had the opportunity to experience God in a mighty way. My church went on our annual high school/college retreat. This is by far on of my favorite things that we do all year. I love high schoolers. they are so ready, willing and able to take God at the simplest thing and have there life changed forever. i am truly humbled to be able to be a part of a ministry that will do whatever it takes to ensure that students not only have a chance to meet with God, but a chance to be forever changed by His presence.

By default, we as leaders are therefore doublely blessed: we get to encounter God and watch students encounter God. for me, there is nothing greater.

this weekend held a special high note for me. there have been some big questions on my heart since China. things I have been praying through for a long time and have been waiting (at times not so) patiently for. I got a glimpse of God’s heart this weekend.

eph 1:17-18…that God {…} may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you….

I want desperately to be where God is calling me. to walk in the gifting and abilities that he has given me. I come alive when I am able to love on students. there is nothing that I could rather be doing. God has given me dreams (both desires and literal dreams) for my future. some more specific then others. some simple. some complex. some that I have forgotten about for so long. (I am beginning to understand that :they: needed to lay dormant for a while so that I could :grow up: (mentally and spiritually) and understand the fullness of God’s love and plan for me.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us. eph 3:14-21

I cannot go into detail about all that God is doing, partly because I have not processed it all, but mostly that it is something that needs to be developed in me. It is hard for me to sensor my heart. to put a filter on. I try so hard to be real and open with people as I have spent so many years hiding my heart and acting as if it did not matter. God is now challenging me to find a balance and to let some things be hidden in me for a time, until he opens the doors, breaks down the walls, or simply lets my heart soar. But for now I ask for prayer.

Read Full Post »

psalms143

Hear my prayer, O Lord; give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness! Enter not into judgment with your servant, for no one living is righteous before you.

God where are you? what are you doing? i am drowning here! You are a faithful God and I trust you, but where are you at? I know I have messed up, left you out, planned my life and not thought of you at times, but please forgive me.

For the enemy has pursued my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead. Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled.

Satan is all over me right now. I can’t breathe. I have lived in self pity and doubt. I have struggled knowing I am Yours, even though your word clearly states you have given me your name. I am sick. I am tired of this cycle.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah

You have done so much for me. I am CANCER free! I am debt free! I went to China and meet with you in a mighty way. You have healed my hurt of deep, gaping wounds. There are no words for how you have changed and molded me to be a beautiful reflection of you. I stand here, arms opened, truly DESPERATE for you. Truly in need of your love and tender touch!

Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

I lay me heart before you and ask that you show up. It is a simple request. It is a simple. Please God, show me a glimpse of you, if nothing but the hem of your garment Lord, I need to see you here. Open my heart to see the path I need to take. There are so many possibilities. So many things I could do, but I am tired of just doing God. I want to walk in who you have made me. I long to serve you here and now and to be the woman you want me to be.

Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord! I have fled to you for refuge! Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!

I run to the safety of your arms. To the gentle strength that is your heart. I beg you to remove this pressure that I am feeling. In Jesus name I am free! Teach me your heart. Show me where you are taking me and how you need me to love those around me.

For your name’s sake, O Lord, preserve my life! In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble! And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

You are fighting a battle for me Lord. A battle that I cannot see, but I know you are taking on things that I cannot begin to understand. You are protecting me as a loving father protects his child from harm. Your gentle love is carrying me through this valley, a strong and steady love that I forget about so often, yet it remains. I live for you my King, I am here as a humble servant to share your name.

Read Full Post »

things i am believing God for

yesterday I was cleaning out my flies on my computer at work, and I found an interesting file entitled Things I am Believing God for. i looked at the date of the file. 11.07….almost a year ago

about a month before i made this list I had an encounter with God that was indescribable. A brokenness, meet with healing. a physical and emotional healing that took everything that i knew about myself and threw it in the blender. what was to come out i had no idea.

Heading into a retreat after the encounter, I knew there were some things that I needed to give to God and some things that I needed to hear from him. i sat at my desk and typed out the list. I read and re-read the list. i walked in faith believing these things would be answered. I printed out the list and gave it to the list to the ladies small group at work, knowing they would stand in faith next to me. before I left for the weekend of the retreat, I was prayed over by staff and leadership at my company. (for all there faults, I do work at an amazing place).

sitting here almost a year later, the blender is still shifting from blend, to liquefy, to grind and back around as God continues to process the things in my heart.

so what was on the list?

To be open to what else God needs me to see/experience

Cannot even begin to describe this one!!!!

Future ~ God has placed a call on my life, a specific call (minister’s wife) want to be able to recognize & begin preparing for this (waiting patiently, growing….etc) * Redefine *Clarify *Direct

God is showing me glimpses & it is rocking my world

Vision~ I have a dream to write and book. God has given me an idea and a message. .pray that he would begin to develop it and write it as only HE can!! I believe that this is the next step in my cancer journey…..

God is stirring this dream now and redefining it!!

Ministry ~ God is working & moving in my life, taking me deeper & deeper. i want to remain open to the girls that need me this weekend

Expanded this….reach China and beyond!

Finances ~ get out of debt so I can minister the way God wants me to

Down to $500 from $15,000

weight ~ I want to get healthy. my weight is hindering a lot of things in my life.

Have lost weight & gearing up for more!!

getting ready for the start of a new retreat year I am looking back over what God has done in my heart. i am not the same person that I was a year ago, 2 years ago.

but I am broken.

I am broken

The dreams of my heart seem to have been forgotten. or that is how it feels. i know it is not true, scripture tells us that he will give us the desires of our heart (psalms 37:4-6).

God has not forgotten me. he has spoken promises into my heart that I cannot even begin to describe. but today I am undone.

as I make a new list for the year, there are so many more things I want to hear about. things I long to understand.

What do you need to understand? What questions do you have? How is God breaking you apart?

Read Full Post »

…a strange mix of loneliness, longing, and hope…

my mind has been going ninety miles an hour………running and running in circles

wanting more and more of you….yet forgetting to invite you into what is happening

the last two nights i have sat down and taken a deep breathe…….

i thought i was ignoring you…..

thought i was putting you off til tomorrow……

but both nights you have shown up in the simple moments of watching tv

a message of standing……a message of waiting……a message of trust……

Psalms 27

the Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall i fear?

……

one thing i have asked from the Lord, that i shall seek: that i may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.

to behold the beauty of the Lordand to mediate in His temple.for in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle

in the secret place of His tent He will hide me;  He will lift me up on a rock.and now my head will be lifted up…. and i will offer in His tents sacrifices with shouts of joy;  i will sing, yes, i will sing praises to the Lord. hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,and be gracious to me and answer me when you said, :seek my face: my heart said to you,:your face, O Lord, i shall seek: do not hide Your face from me, do not turn Your servant away in anger; you have been my help;  do not abandon me, nor forsake me,  O God of my salvation.                                                                                                                                                                                               …….                                                                                                                                                                                                                   teach me Your way, O Lord and lead me in a level path                                                                                                                               ………                                                                                                                                                                                                                          i  would have despaired unless i had believed that i would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  wait for the Lord;  be strong and let your heart take courage;  yes, wait for the Lord.                                                                                                >>>>>>     

for weeks…..no years………I have been living with a call on my life……a call, a dream, a desire                                                               but for it is something that has to be built

scripture clearly states that He will never leave us nor forsake us

and that he will give us more then we can handle

and that all works together for the good, of those whom he loves and has called according to his purpose.

So why do we stress about something we have NO CONTROL over?

Scripture says that he will give us the desires of our hearts…..

Something that I had to learn was that it is not our desires…..they are HIS DESIRES!!!!

When we are truly seeking the face of God then we will be able to see what HE wants for us……

God is speaking to me

He is loving me

He is opening doors

He is telling me everyday over and over and over again that he is leading me……

HE IS TAKING ME TO PLACES THAT I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE!!!!!!

Stay tuned for updates!!!

Read Full Post »