finding peace

there are times in life when we cannot help but connect with God….we understand all that HE is saying….we agree with what IS…. but then there are times when it seems to be a little more difficult to trust….it becomes harder to listen…whether the voice is distant or we don’t like the answer that we are getting….there is a distance between us and God.  sometimes it is intentional…….sometimes we are forced into a time of silence.  it is nothing new….God did it with the Hebrew People as they were wondering in the desert.  He did it again between the New Testament and the Old Testament.  Sometimes there has to be distance for us to be able to hear.  i have found myself in both places ……. but most recently i have found myself shutting God out.  i have turned my ears off to what God was speaking……i did not want to hear what he had to say anymore (in regards to a specific situation).   let me try to explain….. God has spoken very directly about my future.  Marriage, Ministry, a Family….all the things I have long for…all the desires of my heart…..I was in a place with Him where i felt nothing could come between us…..then he started saying WAIT…..every time i prayed about my future, all i heard was WAIT….i got really frustrated hearing WAIT…… so i stopped praying about it…..and that grew into not praying at all…..reading HIS WORD became burdensome because of what He was speaking.  It was all too much!! but God, in HIS FAITHFULNESS, was always there….speaking ever so gently into my heart….letting me know that he was in complete control!  He was holding me in HIS hands and that I was being absolutely ridiculous!!!  He was not withholding anything from me by telling me to wait……preparing my future….preparing the people involved…preparing my ministry…..preparing ME for what is to come!!!  God is not a torturing God, he is not “out to get us” no does he dangle things in front of us just out of our reach…. God is a God of love!  He wants the very best things for His children.  He desires to bless us!!  SCRIPTURE SAYS SO!!!!! i have had the opportunity to speak with several friends who are similar situations……we know where God is taking us….we have seen it very clearly…..but the present circumstances do not speak to what our future is.  We are all standing there going….UM..WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? and each of us….in our own ways…in our own time with the Lord…..in taking a deep breath and remembering what HE has spoken…have found peace!!! a gentle peace…..something that we cannot explain….. really it was there all along in me……but my flesh….(man i hate my flesh!!!) would rise up and i would try to take control.  Control is a funny thing…..everything that we think we have control over….WE DON’T!!!!!    we can’t control anything!!!    there is always something that can go wrong….another person’s will…..break down in the engine….. weather…. all kinds of things!!! sometimes we can’t even control ourselves…….(hormones are little boogers).   all we can do is take a deep breath and ask the one that is in control to take it all…..IT BELONGS TO HIM ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!

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changing of the season

there is a funny feeling inside me right now…..
change is good….it is inevitable….something that we must learn to roll with or life will get extremely difficult….
and with all that i have been through this year, you would think it would be ok…..
but today we had or traditional “goodbye lunch” here at the office.  we have had many come and go but this particular person was special to me in a lot of ways.  she has held me why i cried….she has laughed with me….she has listened to me talk about boy drama….she has challenged me in my faith…in my stubbornness…..in everything….she gave a a toilet seat for my birthday/first chemo treatment!!!! in short….i love this girl!!!!

i am excited about this opportunity for her……truly

but for all its faults…..our place of employment has a lot to offer…..and we all agree that it is not money……

i am sad today…..

i don’t know how to tell her….

or say good bye…..

so i am going to cry alone now…..

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milestones

1 year ago today my cyst, whom we lovingly referred to as Mellie, ruptured for the first time.  Little did I know how much my life would change over the next year!!

this afternoon i went for my first post-cancer follow up.  i am not real sure how often i have to go back or what all the visits will entail….but today was a important for a few reasons……

~ when i went to see the Dr. last June he said on top of everything else that i Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome…..PCOS…and that it needed to be regulated by birth control…..not being a huge fan of the pill this was particularly hard for me.  after chemo, i started the pill…at first it was fine…but i have grown increasingly irritable and moody and have eaten EVERYTHING that i can get my hands on over the last month…..today i asked the dr if i could stop taking the pill..how important was it to my health that i be on it….he said that it would be ok if i stopped!!!  NO MORE LITTLE WHITE PILLS!!!!!!
~ the second concern was the future of my uterus.   in the hospital after my surgery my dr said that i have 3-5 years to have a family and then i would have to have a hysterectomy…..always wanting a family and having no one to have a family with…this was very hard for me to take……so today i asked him about it……and guess what!!! when i am done having my family (whenever that is) i have to have a hysterectomy!!!  that brings so much peace to me….takes some pressure off as well……

other then that….there is nothing else to report…….
now to my thoughts on it all……….
it has been a crazy year!!!!!   a new job……health problems……a serious surgery….chemo…..healing…..moving (3 times!!!!)……trusting………
there have been many highs and lows this year……moments of complete surrender….moments of complete rejoicing!!!!…..
moments of knowing God is holding me so tight there was nothing that i can do to get away from HIM (not that i wanted to mind you)

i have learned to trust in His name and POWER and God has provided exceedingly, abundantly above what I could have asked or imagined. 
I have found love…….
i have found peace…..
i have found my place…..
there is nothing aside from HIM WHO LOVES ME!!!!!!!!

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just some things i needed to share

it has been a crazy long week….i have felt unable to breathe……
it is a feeling that i have had for a while….but it is starting to click inside of me what it all means……

i am desperate for the heart of God….but i am fighting with all that is within me against his life giving love. i am fighting my flesh, as we all are most of the time. we are instilled with a natural desire for something to worship….God, being our maker, longs for it to be Him. for us to connect with Him, to want Him, to never be able to get enough!!!
but sadly, we are human……
this means that we are fighting our sin nature. if we are desiring God, then we are in a constant battle with what comes naturally.
the funny thing is….both are natural….
sin is natural….
worship, love, adoration….all natural….(they are given be God so that we will use it for His glory)
but there is a trick
we have to retrain ourselves to purse something other then what we want.
and that is what sin is…..thinking about what we want, living for Me and no one else
but worship….
true worship…
a lifestyle of worship that God calls us to is the exact opposite of what we are inclined to do in out sinfulness.
it is in us to worship….God put it there when he created Adam and Eve. It is within us to live a life that is wholly and completely His….
but it is a choice…..
not a once in a lifetime choice….but that is where it starts…..by giving our life to him…..
but it is a choice we have to make daily….

right now this is a choice that i am having to make hourly and at some points moment by moment.
i know what life was like without being completely surrendered to the LOVE OF MY LIFE….but God brought a HUGE change into my life….and I can never go back to that place…or be that person…..i have to give all that I am to the ONE THAT KNOWS MY HEART FULL WELL

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the song of my heart

i cannot really describe how i am feeling right now….
there are so many things in my heart and my head that are not making sense….
i long to listen from my SPIRIT and not from my mind…..
i don’t want to make decisions living in my flesh…
i want to live in a way that is wholly pleasing to my Lord….
i want to think in a way that glorifies all that HE is and all that HE is doing inside of me…..
as i am seeking to find a connection with my God in the quietness….
this song is in my heart….
this song is written inside of me…..
Lord I cling to the simple words of who you are.

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems,
Forgiven I´m alive, restored set free.
Your Majesty resides inside of me,
Forever I believe, forever I believe.Arrested by your truth and righteousness,
Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness.
Convicted by your spirit, led by your word,
Your love will never fail, your love will never fail.

´Cause I know you gave the world
Your only son for us
To know your name
To live within the saviours love and He took my place
Knowing He´d be crucified
And You loved, You loved
A people undeserving!

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