Breaking up with myself…..what?

as a believer there are many lessons we learn about what it means to truly be a Christ follower.  some lessons are easy, some lessons take a while to learn…..some we only learn with there is a deep breaking need rolling inside of us.   i am swirling around in the last category.

let me explain.  I have eluded over the past year about some things i have been facing.  but I am feeling slightly fiesty and :balls-ey:…so here goes nothing….

a little over a year ago I experienced a major life change….2 intense wks in China followed by a ridiculous encounter with God.  I was primed and ready to hear from God, but when it happened it shattered my world.
In the undeniable pressence of God, I was changed forever.  I recieved a new vision.  a direction i was longing for.  God sealed it up and I knew I heard from God….my :dream: was coming true

that’s when Satan got pissed….as if he needed more reason to try and destory me….I was not prepared for what came.
Slowly and ever so methodically Satan began to break apart my defenses.
that’s how it starts. a subtle leak in the roof begins to damage the structure unbeknowst to the dwellers so that when the storm came everything comes crumbling down around you…. Leaving you standing in the midst of your once beautiful home now in a pile of rubble at your feet.  Numb to it all, you ask God why…
ever so gently God starts to show you his love…complete and strong….then he begins to open our hearts to the holes in our :structure:

what hole has God revealed in my structure?
….me….

scripture tells us that to follow Christ to must die daily, taking up HIS CROSS and allow what HE wants us to accomplish that day, at work, in the journey called your life.
how often do we actually walk in this thought?

lately I have been struggling with the dream…..the moment in God’s pressence that changed me….and what happens after that.
I failed in following His call….
with what God downloaded into my heart came a huge responsibility
the responsibility to believe in Him, in His call, in His love…
yet every day we must die to ourselves
we must die to our desire
we (I) must die to the dream that God has given me

why?  Because the :dream; would be nothing without him any way…

So today I am breaking up with myself
(and trusting that God knows best…..)

tired of the tears

i am not real sure when it started
i have no idea the depth of the pain
i don’t know where to begin again

but I want to dream

i have forgotten how
i lost the desire
i lost the ability
Lord….teach me to dream again

i’m addicted

i cannot really identify when the addiction started…                                  truthfully i cannot remember a time when i did not want to be in love                it is something many struggle with, i know i am not alone

for most it seems to stem from an absence of love.

don’t get me wrong, i came from a loving family, a great home.                           no it was in no way perfect, we struggled everyday to be a family and in many ways we failed.  but that is what is to be expected from a family of broken people who are trying to work this life out on there own.

my need for love comes from a deep longing to be apart of something, anything.   as far back as i can remember, there has been a part of me that felt something was missing, as if there was a hole in the corner of my heart that needed to find peace.

i have struggled and sinned paving my own way to healing and wholeness.

the cycle of pain in my life came mostly from wanting to be accepted by boys.   all i have wanted was for my very own romantic comedy to played out before my eyes. to be a heroin.  to be cherished. to be pursued by a knight in shinning amour.

some people get their fix with alcohol. some with drugs.  some with sex.

for me, my fix comes from a crush.  a “safe guy”                                                            a guy that could never like me.  someone that in reality, i knew in my heart I could never actually end up with.  the ungettable get.

there was an almost.  there was a never in a thousand years.  there was a too good to be true.  whoever they were, wherever they are now, there is only one thing I can say.

i am sorry.                                                                                                                                        i never meant to drag you into my heartache, my sin.

so what does this mean for me?

a journey of healing lies before me.                                                                                      a chance to reclaim some ground in my heart that has belonged to the enemy for so long.                                                                                                                                       i am redeemed and set free.  i want to walk in  the fullness of who my God is and what he has done for me.

i hope to write more along this journey.  to share what my heart is going through.

here’s to walking in something new.

marching around the walls

when readying for battle, God brought Joshua to an understanding of His power and a dependence on Him, ensuring the proper dependence and praise would be given to the Most High.

2 years ago when I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, I had a moment where complete and udder dependence on God that prepared me to be in the pressence of God and allow Him access to my heart and therefore my walls.

let me try to explain…

for years God has been trying to get my attention. from the beginning God desires to change us and bring us to a better understanding of Him. this process is called sanctification.
looking back I can remember ear mark moments where God was proving His love for me. Deliverance, parting of the red sea, manna…..
The list could go on and on….

but the part of the story that is resonating in my heart is the story of Jericho.
in this story God challenges Joshua to be still and walk forward in faith believing the power of God will shine through.
in faith, Joshua gathered the priest and the Ark of the Covenant and marched.
In silence.
no words were spoken.
were there silent prayers? maybe
but there were no words
Joshua listened
he waited for God to move
With each step…..

preparing for my Jericho

as I write this I am sitting in the waiting room at the oncologist office. every six months I come back to this place and am reminded of who my God is.

always the youngest in the waiting room, I am humbled at how God provided a way to rid my body of the cancer so early on.

I am reminded of the strength I did not have for months and yet everyday I made it through. even the rough days where th chemo was so hard on my body and I was emotionally exhausted. Everyday his mercies were made new.

Recently I have been fighting another battle….a full on war against the walls of my heart.
Gid has been bringing parts of my heart back into an alignment with him that i hav been hiding. not only hiding, in some ways defying his desire to heal my heart by remaining unwilling to surrender.

through this God has been teaching me about walls. Through the battle of Jericho, God has been claiming victory over the broken, hidden places.

I will be taking a bloggers journey through my walls and the Victory I have found in my life over the next few days.
Will you join me?