a lilly among thorns

over the past few weeks God has really been challenging me in the area of my weakness. scripture talks about Paul and the challenged he faced, the thorn in his side, the thing he wishes he could turn away from no longer deal with. for a long time I have felt that :singleness: was my thorn. With a desire for marriage and ministry being in a place in life where there is no one there has been hard.
but God is challenging my heart at the very core of this thought.
there is something we all have to understand. or more specifically, something I had to understand. God is doing something in my life. it’s that simple.
he is using me. he is working on my life to change of only my heart but the heart of others as well.
God doesn’t guve us all the answers, he simply ask us to walk forward in faith. we have a gps… his word..prayer….worship….all we have to do is tap into the beauty of his heart for us.

luckily I have people on my life that will call me out when I am being a punk…when I have lost site of the Holy God that we serve…..they challenged me to deal with stuff, to be free.
no matter what is coming my way I choose to worship my God. to walk forward in His name with full faith in what he is doing…..never forgetting the simple truth….he is always doing something!!!!!!!!

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brokenness……plain and simple.

i am a private person…..partly due to my fear of rejection and feeling like people tolerate me instead of loving me…(I know that is RIDICULOUS!!!)

I know that God needs to be my comforter and that is something that I am trying hard to cling to…..but it is not my nature (is it anyone’s?).

Thanks be being in my life and being an example of truth and love!

let me try to explain what is going on in my heart right now……

brokenness……plain and simple.

there is nothing left of me…..I could honestly not be more excited!

it has been hard….very hard….to give up all of my dreams.

Ministry….full time…life giving

Love…marriage….family

It is something that I am laying on the altar of all that he is. Struggling to have the faith of Abraham and trust that God is going to make it better.

While God is breaking me, Satan is ripping my heart out. (as is his practice)

I am empty. I am broken.

Everyday I am being told that I am not enough.

Everyday I am told that I am not worth what they are paying me

Everyday I made to feel like I am invisible

Everyday I feel like a slave to this place. Like I am in a cage and cannot be free.

I hate it. I cry all the time. tears are welling up in my eyes now.

At the heart of it all, I am dealing with some of my fears.

~ fear of being alone (living alone in a 3 bedroom house is FREAKING hard)

~ fear of never being loved (no one ever fighting for me…and seeing me)

~ fear of being worthless (no one ever seeing who I am and believing in me).

I know they are IRRATIONAL!!! I know they are lies from the pit of hell.  I know they are things that I can overcome. I feel so weak….but I know that in HIM I am strong.  I feel so undone…..and in truth that is exactly where HE wants me.

I talked to a friend last night and in love and wisdom she gave huge encouragement. She said that God was preparing me for the fast…..to see him in a mighty way. That is my prayer.

I am desperate to see him….desperate to understand a little piece of HIS heart for me, for the SWITCH generation, for my role in SWITCH and at work…so many things….but simply put…I WANT TO SEE HIM!!!

While this is hard, I know it is the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL journey.

another beautiful disaster. (much like chemo)

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first things first….?

This weekend was a weekend of first for me.

To many, they would seem insignificant…

It was the first time I mowed the grass…..first time I cranked a lawn mower…..first time to push the thing….first time to do any of it….

I felt like a freakin’ hero after….

Not that it is a major feet to mow the grass….especially given the small plot of land that I am currently residing at. It was a great feeling to accomplish something with my hands and to take care of something….other then laundry.

After concurring the green giant, I moved into the house. I cleaned toilets, I swept, I dusted, I straightened, I did laundry. In short, I was a domestic diva. With a dinner part for some girls that night, I was cooking and cleaning. I was takin’ names and kickin’ butt!

While I felt very accomplished by my task, I soon realized I had done too much.

You see, Friday I went to the Dr. After a steroid shot and several prescriptions, I was diagnosed with a viral infection (although slight) and a bladder infection with a developing allergy problem. I was in a word, POOPED!!!!!

But I had people coming over, I had to make things presentable! And as I am not a napper, this added further to the dilemma of needing some rest.

Sunday morning I could not get out of bed. I could not breathe. My body was like….:Yeah right!:

I took my medicine and climbed back in bed to read as I was wide awake. But with taking y meds on an empty stomach and with the wrong combination (do not take with vitamins…whatever…I don’t have time for this….) I threw up!

Not only did I throw up, my glass somehow landed in the toilet right as I removed my hand from the shinny flusher handle. Clearly not thinking, I stood there. I watched as my favorite glasses spiraled out of reach. And in the spirit of not feeling well, I went back to bed.

It hit me last night after church that this could be a problem. Toilets curve in the exit strategy. Glasses, in their true form, do not bend.

So there could be one more first headed my way this week.

Plumber Dude: Thank you for calling! How may we help you?

Me: Hi, I need a plumber.

Plumber dude: Yes ma’am, what seems to be the trouble.

Me: Well you see it all started with my favorite pair of glasses……

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taking some time

the past month has been like a whirlwind.

china

desperation

21 days of prayer

all back to back to back

the last few days have been extremely rough…….

this was the first week were it was all :up to me: in terms of spending time with God.

and I failed…..like not even a little…. miserably…

when it came to the testing of my faith, I let it all go…

sleep won….emotions won…..food won….blogs won……everything won

but not God

he was so real in china

he was SO REAL during desperation

he was very real during 21 days

maybe he was too real

maybe he spoke too much

maybe he spoke too little

whatever it was…..things have not been ok this week…..

i am trying to make sense of the things

longing to understand the huge things that he spoke…..

but i cannot seem to get a handle on all of it

marriage

ministry

stepping out in faith

what does it all mean?

i am going to take a few days a try to figure it out.

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just around the riverbend……

i am struggling….
my emotions are everywhere….
so much is changing…….
and i can’t find my footing……

 i am getting ready to move…..i have moved a lot over the past few years so i am a bit of a pro at the packing the boxes and doing without for a while….

and while i am excited about my new roomie…..i am tired of constantly being in transition….the last year has been a transition…..i am ready for my life to settle……i want my home ….my family…..my life…..but it seems so far away…..
as i was doing some laundry and prelim packing last night i started to think about what it is gonna be like to pack up and move across “the pond” in obedience to God’s call?
will it be as difficult as this or will it be easier as i know i am doing what God has called me to do?
honestly it depends on how i move…..who will i be moving with?

i am dealing with a broken friendship that i have been avoiding for a year…..deep wounds that i have had the ability to run from for over a year that are now surfacing….

i want to run and hide
i want to get away from this part of my past
but God is a God of reconciliation and he needs me to fix this…..
before i can walk in what my future is i have to make some things right
but this is my least favorite part…..
the hardest part is that there is another strained relationship that is in my face that i need to fix….
but this one is going to be even harder
i hate that so much of my life seems to be dependent on something or someone that is not apart of my life……
i am tired of waiting…..
i am tired of hearing that strength will rise…..
i am weak…
i am lonely….
i want to understand what is happening in my heart…..
i want to know what God is doing!!!

the just around the river bend is the freakin NILE and i am at the mouth of the river and need to make it to the other end to find my place

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