i am a private person…..partly due to my fear of rejection and feeling like people tolerate me instead of loving me…(I know that is RIDICULOUS!!!)
I know that God needs to be my comforter and that is something that I am trying hard to cling to…..but it is not my nature (is it anyone’s?).
Thanks be being in my life and being an example of truth and love!
let me try to explain what is going on in my heart right now……
brokenness……plain and simple.
there is nothing left of me…..I could honestly not be more excited!
it has been hard….very hard….to give up all of my dreams.
Ministry….full time…life giving
Love…marriage….family
It is something that I am laying on the altar of all that he is. Struggling to have the faith of Abraham and trust that God is going to make it better.
While God is breaking me, Satan is ripping my heart out. (as is his practice)
I am empty. I am broken.
Everyday I am being told that I am not enough.
Everyday I am told that I am not worth what they are paying me
Everyday I made to feel like I am invisible
Everyday I feel like a slave to this place. Like I am in a cage and cannot be free.
I hate it. I cry all the time. tears are welling up in my eyes now.
At the heart of it all, I am dealing with some of my fears.
~ fear of being alone (living alone in a 3 bedroom house is FREAKING hard)
~ fear of never being loved (no one ever fighting for me…and seeing me)
~ fear of being worthless (no one ever seeing who I am and believing in me).
I know they are IRRATIONAL!!! I know they are lies from the pit of hell. I know they are things that I can overcome. I feel so weak….but I know that in HIM I am strong. I feel so undone…..and in truth that is exactly where HE wants me.
I talked to a friend last night and in love and wisdom she gave huge encouragement. She said that God was preparing me for the fast…..to see him in a mighty way. That is my prayer.
I am desperate to see him….desperate to understand a little piece of HIS heart for me, for the SWITCH generation, for my role in SWITCH and at work…so many things….but simply put…I WANT TO SEE HIM!!!
While this is hard, I know it is the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL journey.
another beautiful disaster. (much like chemo)
a humbled heart 