I have spent the last week trying to process all that happened both in me and in the lives of those around me and the Chinese students that we had the honor of being around.
this might be long…..but I have so much in my heart……
there is no way to fully prepare for a mission trip
you can shop…make list…pack…..pray….fast…..worship…whatever
but there will always be something that happens that totally throws you off guard.
that is why we have the phrase M mentality….to be flexible….to be Gumby…..no expectations….no control….this at times is hard for me….
i am a planner by nature…i see a problem and i long to fix it..
going as a :team leader: and caring for 10 high schoolers brought out the mom in me….caring for my young…longing to protect and love….wanting to keep them from harm……wanting there hearts to come alive to God in a new way…..
i had an amazing co-leader…..a stronger steady tower
i had fabulous kids!!!!! true leaders in the purist sense. they were amazing!!!
Defining moment 1
in china i was battling a lot of my demons….a lot of the lies that i have believed about my self…
I had to get a seat belt extender….this was EXTREMELY hard for me…i cried…it was embarrassing…
this became the first area that God spoke to me……
before i left, there was a verse about standing ready that had been spoken over me….i took it as a spiritual message….but God began to show me that this meant physically…..i had a choice to change some things in my life (still have this choice) and i ignored it….NOT ANY MORE!!!!
God has called me to do great things….to lead students on trips across the world to discover themselves and to discover the heart of God……I have power to change my world (my weight) in order to make this calling a reality in my life….
but it is something that I have to choose……
an apple and half a bagel over a doughnut
healthy over not so healthy….
i have the power to change my life………..and today I choose to make it happen
after realizing this everything changed. i looked at everyday as something new. truly a new adventure awaited me at the end of the line…and i gave it my all…..
Defining moment 2
we worked at a leadership camp in Wei Hai on the northeast coast of China
i was a coach
i was paired with a 13yr old Chinese student as my translator…..she was younger then most of the kids on my team
i was humbled
i am about to be 26…have flown halfway around the world and have been humbled by this little girl names Dorcas.
everyday i taught some characteristic of leadership….in high school we had the :character word of the day:…this is essentially what I did…..took a word and hammered it in……the overall theme of the camp….SERVANT LEADERSHIP
this of course challenged me
am I a servant? to truly lead you must first serve…was i not serving by being in China? what more was needed from me?
having to be translated offered another challenge……
talking slow and clearly so that you are effective
we are from the south…..slow is something we got down (most of the time) but there is the issue of the accent…….that caused a few problems……
I learned a lot about myself
More on that later…..
Defining moment 3
something that I have always struggled with is my worth…
i have believed the lie that I am not worth anyone’s time or energy or love
i was striving and longing for attention and acceptance most of the first half of the trip……somewhere around day 5 I broke
i was tired
i begged God to love me…to show me what he sees in me….to understand what others see in me (as desperate and selfish as that sounds)
what happened next has changed my life
everyone that i came in contact with that day loved on me….new friends and old…..without knowing it they changed me
my kids…both Chinese and American……the adults from my team……but truly most importantly was God
i was beautiful!!! i am beautiful…….there is/was nothing like that feeling
my team had just finished dinner together and had a great time so i was geared up for fun…but I was exhausted……the demands of the camp had gotten to me and Satan (the one we want to punch in the face) was trying to tear down all that God built up…..
that night P Mark and Sarah P took the adult leaders from our group out
we walked into this really nice hotel and got on an elevator….too many on and the alarm went off….my heart dropped…..
it was my fault….i am the fat one…I pushed us over…no one wants me…..i will always be alone….(those are the lies that I have believed for so long and that were repeating over and over again in my head)
we ended up at a spa…..nervous about what lies ahead and reeling from the elevator experience i wanted to run away
i walked back with a few others and was put in a room by myself while everyone else had others around them
i sat in the chair and started to cry….it was all too much
in that moment God loved on me…..
he sang his love over me just as he said he would in Zephaniah 3:17
i slept in his arms (and had a FANTASTIC foot massage)
I am a new person….there are still moments where I struggle…..but I know that the love that my God has for me is bigger then anything else (lie) that Satan could put in front of me……
God did so much more….but those stories will have to wait…..
They are coming!!!!! And they are going to blow you away!!!!!!
a humbled heart 