taking some time

the past month has been like a whirlwind.

china

desperation

21 days of prayer

all back to back to back

the last few days have been extremely rough…….

this was the first week were it was all :up to me: in terms of spending time with God.

and I failed…..like not even a little…. miserably…

when it came to the testing of my faith, I let it all go…

sleep won….emotions won…..food won….blogs won……everything won

but not God

he was so real in china

he was SO REAL during desperation

he was very real during 21 days

maybe he was too real

maybe he spoke too much

maybe he spoke too little

whatever it was…..things have not been ok this week…..

i am trying to make sense of the things

longing to understand the huge things that he spoke…..

but i cannot seem to get a handle on all of it

marriage

ministry

stepping out in faith

what does it all mean?

i am going to take a few days a try to figure it out.

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my prayer

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding oh so tightly
Can’t open my hands can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

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hmmmmmm

a friend of mine wrote this

i have been thinking over this for a while….chewing on it it you will
have gone a read the verses before and after the original passage
and all i can say is hmmmmmmmm

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in a funk

there’s a lot going on in my heart right now…..
there are some big questions in my heart
huge things that i want answers on
notice i say want
if God choose not to answer right now i will be ok
if he continues to answer wait (as he is doing now) then i will be fine
he will give me the peace that i need

but today i am all aflutter….
there is nothing that i can do
i am trying to breathe
but there are so many changes going on around me
some i want
some i don’t

i am trying to lean in and trust God but i am struggling with it
what do i do?

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how do you say i love you

today i got a trusty facebook message from one of the girls that was on my china team a few weeks ago….

she ended her message with :love you one billion sour patch kids:

given that this was a bit of a staple on our trip this means alot!!!!

so how do you say i love you?

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