expectantly

i am tired….
tired of running
tired of being sick
tired of living in the cycle
tired…..

this weekend i am going on a retreat….
i’ve been on a lot of retreats in my days and i know that God does some amazing things there….statically more is accomplished in a 2 days retreat then in 6 months to a year of other types of ministry….
and i am believing for that….

this retreat, unlike others that i have been on
is about me
my healing
my wholeness
my life complete in Christ
it is going to be intense
it is going to be more then i can handle at times

but God is doing something in my heart
God is breaking me apart
God is building in me something that i cannot not even begin to understand

i have a passion for ministry….
something that i want to do
something specific…..something that i am ready to throw my life into
but i cannot get to that place
i cannot walk in my future if i am not walking in the FREEDOM that God offers!!!

God i open my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my expectations, my hurts, my brokenness, my longing, my restlessness, my boredom, my apathy…..ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!

I WAIT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i come expectantly into your mighty arms!!!!

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dying of a…..jacket?

in every person’s life there are a few items of clothing that we cannot live without….
at different points it is different things……
as a child i lived in this twirly dress….
as a teenager it was a well worn pair of jeans and a t-shirt that i loved
in my college years not much changed….love a good pair of jeans….

some where in the journey of picking my own clothes….i got the JEAN JACKET!!!!!
i loved this jacket!!! i wore it all the time!! even when i had put on some weight and could not really wear it anymore.
but after the recent removal of my friend Mellie (the tumor) i started to loose weight…
partly because of the fact that 20 lbs of mass were gone from my stomach……
partly because i was not eating….feeling nauseous kinda does that too you….
but after chemo i kept loosing..
just inches not real poundiage…

anyway…
last night as i was talking with a friend at church another friend came up to me and made my day…
“hey…are you losing weight” she says…and i’m like why yes..yes i am……”
later as i was walking out of church and got chili i went to wrap my jacket around myself….and realized how far the jacket went…..
and then it hit me……
i can no longer wear my favorite article of clothing…..
(i was wearing a pair of jeans that i need to retire as well……)

for a girl who has not had a lot of options in her life in the cute clothes department…letting go of the few cherished pieces is hard….
this jacket was not only a warming device on a chilly evening….
it was also a comfort in uncomfortable moments…..that is a lot to let go if……

so as i say good by to my jacket and blue jeans that are too big….
i say bring on the fun flowy skirts!!!!

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a gentle reminder….

God never gives up on his children…those that lovingly claim Him and his direction and those who are not as interested…

it doesn’t matter…..his love never fails!!!!

As i am sitting here..home alone…sick and basically sulking…God is reminding me that there is nothing in my life that he has not placed there and that HE and he alone is working it all together for me!!!

God never promised life was going to be easy…in fact…He has made it clear that i am looking at some pretty rough days….but He said he would be there…..as my ROCK and REDEEMER.  He would be my STRONGHOLD and COUNSELOR!   he said i would want for nothing……everything i needed was just a moment away…all i need is to ask…..but understand that it may not come back to me the way that i expected…..i have to TRUST!!!!!

Lord, I choose JOY…i choose to TRUST!!!!  I choose to LOVE!!! myself….my friends….my GOD!!!!  no matter what!!!

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the curse

well..its not really a curse…more of a delima that i find myslef in from time to time
its spring…
its wedding season….
love is in the air….
but not for this girl…
i am here….
alone….
sick….(yes..i have cried to my mom agian in the last 12 hrs….)
i know there is a time coming when i will have everything my heart desires….
i will have love and someone to share my life with…..
i will have the ministry that will in effect change the world…

but for now i suffer froom what i have come to refer to as the curse……
attending wedding showers, baby showers, weddings and all of that for some of the coolest people i know….
watching them love and be loved….
watching there lives change….it is beautiful….
and i am proud of everyone of them….they deserve it!! they have waited for this…they have prayed for there days….
they have longed for this is time as i am longing now.
i find hope in that….
i find hope in waiting…..for the first time in my life i am waiting and i am understanding God’s role in mighty ways….
there are times when it is hard….
when waiting becomes a chore….the curse i am living with….
but i am praying though it….
i am taking EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE and making it obedient to CHRIST!!!

how ever long it takes….(and i know it is not about the waiting….)
i will cling to my God…
cling to my love!!! HE is my love!!!
HE is all that i need!!!
if you read this and know me….
please gently remind me of this….
of my commitment to waiting….

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things i am thinking about

i have been given the oppurtunity to take a couple of days……
not by choice…..the flu kinda gives you the oppurtunity to take a break………
it has been really hard for me to cry for a while…not real sure why…..
but over the last few days with everything i am ready to cry…..
like hard core tears……..and it comes with the littlest things…
i cried at the drs office when they told me i had the flu
i cried to my mom for a while when i had to leave church early to come home becasue i felt like crap….
i cried when i got into bed and got the chills…everything brings tears!!
it has been a long time since i have been like this….
at some point in college i was called cry baby and a drama queen…
slowly after that i started to put a wall up around my heart…
i would not let anyone in….
not even God

then i was diagnosed with cancer and things started to change…..
my heart started to become soft….but i was still guarded….
then i joined a life group…..this is an amazing ministry that my church provides…in 12 weeks you heart begins to change….you are open to God and what He is in your life and the places that he is taking you….in a few weeks i get the opportunity to go on the LIFE retreat…the culmination of all that has been going on in my heart and in my mind.  

i know that these tears are tears of trust and tears of brokenness….tears of coming joy…tears of freedom…..
but the process of getting there has been difficult……
there are things that i feel i did not get to as i was concentrating on something…it almost consumed me….
but i am trusting that God’s word does not return void and that he is still going to use what i learned to get into my heart and to continue to break me apart….

the scripture that i am clinging to…..

take every thought captive and make it obedient to Chirst  2 Cor 10:5

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