china was amazing

I have spent the last week trying to process all that happened both in me and in the lives of those around me and the Chinese students that we had the honor of being around.

this might be long…..but I have so much in my heart……

there is no way to fully prepare for a mission trip
you can shop…make list…pack…..pray….fast…..worship…whatever
but there will always be something that happens that totally throws you off guard.
that is why we have the phrase M mentality….to be flexible….to be Gumby…..no expectations….no control….this at times is hard for me….
i am a planner by nature…i see a problem and i long to fix it..
going as a :team leader: and caring for 10 high schoolers brought out the mom in me….caring for my young…longing to protect and love….wanting to keep them from harm……wanting there hearts to come alive to God in a new way…..
i had an amazing co-leader…..a stronger steady tower
i had fabulous kids!!!!! true leaders in the purist sense. they were amazing!!!

Defining moment 1
in china i was battling a lot of my demons….a lot of the lies that i have believed about my self…
I had to get a seat belt extender….this was EXTREMELY hard for me…i cried…it was embarrassing…
this became the first area that God spoke to me……
before i left, there was a verse about standing ready that had been spoken over me….i took it as a spiritual message….but God began to show me that this meant physically…..i had a choice to change some things in my life (still have this choice) and i ignored it….NOT ANY MORE!!!!
God has called me to do great things….to lead students on trips across the world to discover themselves and to discover the heart of God……I have power to change my world (my weight) in order to make this calling a reality in my life….
but it is something that I have to choose……
an apple and half a bagel over a doughnut
healthy over not so healthy….
i have the power to change my life………..and today I choose to make it happen
after realizing this everything changed. i looked at everyday as something new. truly a new adventure awaited me at the end of the line…and i gave it my all…..

Defining moment 2
we worked at a leadership camp in Wei Hai on the northeast coast of China
i was a coach
i was paired with a 13yr old Chinese student as my translator…..she was younger then most of the kids on my team
i was humbled
i am about to be 26…have flown halfway around the world and have been humbled by this little girl names Dorcas.
everyday i taught some characteristic of leadership….in high school we had the :character word of the day:…this is essentially what I did…..took a word and hammered it in……the overall theme of the camp….SERVANT LEADERSHIP
this of course challenged me
am I a servant? to truly lead you must first serve…was i not serving by being in China? what more was needed from me?
having to be translated offered another challenge……
talking slow and clearly so that you are effective
we are from the south…..slow is something we got down (most of the time) but there is the issue of the accent…….that caused a few problems……
I learned a lot about myself
More on that later…..

Defining moment 3
something that I have always struggled with is my worth…
i have believed the lie that I am not worth anyone’s time or energy or love
i was striving and longing for attention and acceptance most of the first half of the trip……somewhere around day 5 I broke
i was tired
i begged God to love me…to show me what he sees in me….to understand what others see in me (as desperate and selfish as that sounds)
what happened next has changed my life
everyone that i came in contact with that day loved on me….new friends and old…..without knowing it they changed me
my kids…both Chinese and American……the adults from my team……but truly most importantly was God
i was beautiful!!! i am beautiful…….there is/was nothing like that feeling
my team had just finished dinner together and had a great time so i was geared up for fun…but I was exhausted……the demands of the camp had gotten to me and Satan (the one we want to punch in the face) was trying to tear down all that God built up…..
that night P Mark and Sarah P took the adult leaders from our group out
we walked into this really nice hotel and got on an elevator….too many on and the alarm went off….my heart dropped…..
it was my fault….i am the fat one…I pushed us over…no one wants me…..i will always be alone….(those are the lies that I have believed for so long and that were repeating over and over again in my head)
we ended up at a spa…..nervous about what lies ahead and reeling from the elevator experience i wanted to run away
i walked back with a few others and was put in a room by myself while everyone else had others around them
i sat in the chair and started to cry….it was all too much
in that moment God loved on me…..
he sang his love over me just as he said he would in Zephaniah 3:17
i slept in his arms (and had a FANTASTIC foot massage)
I am a new person….there are still moments where I struggle…..but I know that the love that my God has for me is bigger then anything else (lie) that Satan could put in front of me……

God did so much more….but those stories will have to wait…..
They are coming!!!!! And they are going to blow you away!!!!!!

 

swimming in queso

as some of you may know, I LOVE CHEESE….i even talked about my life in comparison to cheese

getting ready for China, there were things on my heart. things i needed answers too. God in all his glorious wisdom and love for me (slight hint a sarcasm here) kept saying :after china:

with no other choice, i put these things on the back burner and headed to China (which was fabulous).

God did some incredible things in China (still trying to get to the place where i can get it all out). But what i love most is that all the things that I needed answers for….HE SPOKE directly to them!!!!

in quiet ways He began to open my heart to so many things……….

the last night we were in China @ camp, I had a dream. my dream…i was swimming in Cheese Dip……..

At first i thought it was just silly. That is was just missing good food from home and missing home in general. (why do the Chinese not love cheese the way that we do? i mean really…it is a wonderful food!!!!)

but upon further reflection and prodding from the HS himself, i began to look at things a little differently…..

right after i had this dream God began to open my heart to something new….something that i never expected in a million years……

(there was much brokenness on my part….much surrendering of my will…my heart to God…this was not just a one sided thing….)

was this dream a sign that everything that i have wanted and have been praying for is coming to pass?

maybe….maybe not…..

but what i do know is this……

God moved!!! changed me……and i am resting in what He spoke and will walk it out

 

a retrospective look

12 I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. 13 For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my cancer surgery/diagnosis……..

I have had huge emotions

So much has happened in my life this last year!!

Huge things….

Healing ~ cancer…emotions….heart

Direction ~ missions….church planting…..

I could go on and on….

But there are some things that I had forgotten…..

When I was :given the news: I gave everything to God….

EVERYTHING

That is a vow…….that is a promise

So today I lift up thanks to a God that has changed me

 

i think we’re alone now

for so long i have had such a hard time being single
why me?
why am i not where i want to be?
what is wrong with me that i cannot find someone that will date me?
why are my friends even leaving me out?
do i smell?
do i have cooties?

but lately God has been challenging my idea of singleness

it is no longer a curse

here is the convo that i had with God

why?
:because i need you here?:
again…why?
because i said so
that is not really an answer, God I need more
silence

this conversation has happened many times

but something different is happening in my soul now

saturday night i was home alone
after a long day of feeling ignored
i was, shall i say, moping about the house
i get inspired to clean
(in my world this is dangerous…it always means I am about to learn something)

as i was unpacking boxes God began to speak to my heart

:Nicole, I love you! you are my daughter! :
i love you too
I have a plan for you!!
i know..its just not time
:I have you in a place of desperation for a reason:

God has been preparing me

my whole life has lead up to this moment

everything is pointing toward me working with people who have never known hope

God is calling me to love people!

God is showing me what it means to need love!

I LOVE THIS PLACE HE HAS ME!!!!!!!

 

what is worship?

last night i went to a worship concert @ a local club downtown.  first time i had been there and was quite excited.  Daniel Bashta and Jason Morant.  Having had a rough couple of days I would have taken any chance to forget about it all and boldly come into his presence.

as i was worshipping i began to think……this happens quit often…..but i was trying to push it out and let God love me…..it wasn’t working (or so i thought)

i got out my Blackberry and started typing as fast as i could

here are my thoughts…..

What is worship?
There are many styles..many expressions..but what is it?
Is it singing songs?
Is it praying?
Is it dancing?
Is it proclaiming His name in the streets?
Is it taking one for the team?
Is it giving everything up to live some where that no one knows your name?
Is it choosing to live and not die?
Is it simply waking up in the morning when there is nothing to live for?
Is it choosing joy?
Is it living in spite of yourself?
Are we only able to worship when things are good and the music is loud and the WORD is brought?
Can we worship where there is no stringed lyre?
When there is no one preaching the word?
Can we truly find God in a dark dungeon?
Can we cling to HIS life and promised when there is no hope?
No light? No air to breathe?
In your closet can you meet with the mighty one?
What are your experiences in worship?
Where has God been the most real?
When has heaven fallen on you the hardest?
When was the last time that you were breathless after worship….not from dancing or jumping…..but from meeting with the one that we call King??