how do you say i love you

today i got a trusty facebook message from one of the girls that was on my china team a few weeks ago….

she ended her message with :love you one billion sour patch kids:

given that this was a bit of a staple on our trip this means alot!!!!

so how do you say i love you?

 

really

satan you will not defeat me!!!
God will reign victorious!!!!!
he is moving in ways that you cannot see because you a little pip squeak!!!!

 

swimming in queso

as some of you may know, I LOVE CHEESE….i even talked about my life in comparison to cheese

getting ready for China, there were things on my heart. things i needed answers too. God in all his glorious wisdom and love for me (slight hint a sarcasm here) kept saying :after china:

with no other choice, i put these things on the back burner and headed to China (which was fabulous).

God did some incredible things in China (still trying to get to the place where i can get it all out). But what i love most is that all the things that I needed answers for….HE SPOKE directly to them!!!!

in quiet ways He began to open my heart to so many things……….

the last night we were in China @ camp, I had a dream. my dream…i was swimming in Cheese Dip……..

At first i thought it was just silly. That is was just missing good food from home and missing home in general. (why do the Chinese not love cheese the way that we do? i mean really…it is a wonderful food!!!!)

but upon further reflection and prodding from the HS himself, i began to look at things a little differently…..

right after i had this dream God began to open my heart to something new….something that i never expected in a million years……

(there was much brokenness on my part….much surrendering of my will…my heart to God…this was not just a one sided thing….)

was this dream a sign that everything that i have wanted and have been praying for is coming to pass?

maybe….maybe not…..

but what i do know is this……

God moved!!! changed me……and i am resting in what He spoke and will walk it out

 

something to chew on

talking a a friend about some stuff in her life…..

this is what she said……

holding on is an expression of my fear.
Fear that losing :his face: diminishes the validity of God’s plan, way, purpose.
The truth is…it has nothing to do with me.

crazy to think that she and i are in similar places

 

A year ago

its july 4th…..i am home alone….just like last year….
so much has changed
last year i was getting ready to have surgery…..getting ready to face the biggest battle of my life
this year i am home alone….packing for china…..

God has done so much in a year
He has changed everything about me
i am not where near the same person that i was
not only am i a cancer survivor…..i am a true and loving child of God
things are different for me now
my heart is no longer my own
it belongs to God
he is directing my paths
he is making me the woman that I need to be

i have been dealing with some of my demons lately
not huge demons
but they are mine
being single
being rejected (at least feeling that way constantly)
constantly wanting something else, something more, something different
i have be challenged to settle
not give up on my dreams, but to find peace in Christ

i have been pondering over the last few days if it is from God or a distraction before china
God thwarts us into an understanding of his love, his will, his heart, his desires, simply HIM!!!
more then this is a temptation, i believe that this is what God is doing.
don’t get me wrong, Satan is trying his best to mess with my head, but I am living in the freedom that God has given me over the last year.

i struggle with being alone
i struggle with wanting more

is it going to be like this forever? am i always going to be wanting more? will i ever be satisfied with God. what is it that i am missing about the heart of God.