china was amazing

I have spent the last week trying to process all that happened both in me and in the lives of those around me and the Chinese students that we had the honor of being around.

this might be long…..but I have so much in my heart……

there is no way to fully prepare for a mission trip
you can shop…make list…pack…..pray….fast…..worship…whatever
but there will always be something that happens that totally throws you off guard.
that is why we have the phrase M mentality….to be flexible….to be Gumby…..no expectations….no control….this at times is hard for me….
i am a planner by nature…i see a problem and i long to fix it..
going as a :team leader: and caring for 10 high schoolers brought out the mom in me….caring for my young…longing to protect and love….wanting to keep them from harm……wanting there hearts to come alive to God in a new way…..
i had an amazing co-leader…..a stronger steady tower
i had fabulous kids!!!!! true leaders in the purist sense. they were amazing!!!

Defining moment 1
in china i was battling a lot of my demons….a lot of the lies that i have believed about my self…
I had to get a seat belt extender….this was EXTREMELY hard for me…i cried…it was embarrassing…
this became the first area that God spoke to me……
before i left, there was a verse about standing ready that had been spoken over me….i took it as a spiritual message….but God began to show me that this meant physically…..i had a choice to change some things in my life (still have this choice) and i ignored it….NOT ANY MORE!!!!
God has called me to do great things….to lead students on trips across the world to discover themselves and to discover the heart of God……I have power to change my world (my weight) in order to make this calling a reality in my life….
but it is something that I have to choose……
an apple and half a bagel over a doughnut
healthy over not so healthy….
i have the power to change my life………..and today I choose to make it happen
after realizing this everything changed. i looked at everyday as something new. truly a new adventure awaited me at the end of the line…and i gave it my all…..

Defining moment 2
we worked at a leadership camp in Wei Hai on the northeast coast of China
i was a coach
i was paired with a 13yr old Chinese student as my translator…..she was younger then most of the kids on my team
i was humbled
i am about to be 26…have flown halfway around the world and have been humbled by this little girl names Dorcas.
everyday i taught some characteristic of leadership….in high school we had the :character word of the day:…this is essentially what I did…..took a word and hammered it in……the overall theme of the camp….SERVANT LEADERSHIP
this of course challenged me
am I a servant? to truly lead you must first serve…was i not serving by being in China? what more was needed from me?
having to be translated offered another challenge……
talking slow and clearly so that you are effective
we are from the south…..slow is something we got down (most of the time) but there is the issue of the accent…….that caused a few problems……
I learned a lot about myself
More on that later…..

Defining moment 3
something that I have always struggled with is my worth…
i have believed the lie that I am not worth anyone’s time or energy or love
i was striving and longing for attention and acceptance most of the first half of the trip……somewhere around day 5 I broke
i was tired
i begged God to love me…to show me what he sees in me….to understand what others see in me (as desperate and selfish as that sounds)
what happened next has changed my life
everyone that i came in contact with that day loved on me….new friends and old…..without knowing it they changed me
my kids…both Chinese and American……the adults from my team……but truly most importantly was God
i was beautiful!!! i am beautiful…….there is/was nothing like that feeling
my team had just finished dinner together and had a great time so i was geared up for fun…but I was exhausted……the demands of the camp had gotten to me and Satan (the one we want to punch in the face) was trying to tear down all that God built up…..
that night P Mark and Sarah P took the adult leaders from our group out
we walked into this really nice hotel and got on an elevator….too many on and the alarm went off….my heart dropped…..
it was my fault….i am the fat one…I pushed us over…no one wants me…..i will always be alone….(those are the lies that I have believed for so long and that were repeating over and over again in my head)
we ended up at a spa…..nervous about what lies ahead and reeling from the elevator experience i wanted to run away
i walked back with a few others and was put in a room by myself while everyone else had others around them
i sat in the chair and started to cry….it was all too much
in that moment God loved on me…..
he sang his love over me just as he said he would in Zephaniah 3:17
i slept in his arms (and had a FANTASTIC foot massage)
I am a new person….there are still moments where I struggle…..but I know that the love that my God has for me is bigger then anything else (lie) that Satan could put in front of me……

God did so much more….but those stories will have to wait…..
They are coming!!!!! And they are going to blow you away!!!!!!

 

a watch(wo)man on the wall

i read a friends blog today
he got me to thinkin’ some more about a passage i have been chewin on for a few days
here’s the break down

At that time the kingdom of heaven
will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and
went out to meet the bridegroom.
Five of them were foolish and five were wise.
The foolish ones took their lamps
but did not take any oil with them.
The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.
The bridegroom was a long time in coming,
and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
At midnight the cry rang out:
‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps.
The foolish ones said to the wise,
‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’
‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you.
Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’
“But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived.
The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet.
And the door was shut.
“Later the others also came. ‘Sir! Sir!’ they said. ‘Open the door for us!’
“But he replied, ‘I tell you the truth, I don’t know you.’
“Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.

matthew 25:1-11

there are several things that stick out to me in this passage
~we have a choice to be wise or foolish
~ the bridegroom comes when we are tired….exhausted…cannot wait anymore….
~ there is a point when we cannot carry others….we have to stand ready…for ourselves….
(i am not selfish….i want others to receive the good things too…i promise)
~ the right thing will come @ the right time…..so we must be ready!!!

at first i thought this only applied to a particular area of my life
but God has been showing me that this fits more then just getting married
there are several ladies in my office who are waiting
we have talked about it and prayed about it. while we are waiting in different things…at the heart there is something similar.
we are waiting
there are several things that are on my heart to do
several things that i am waiting for
ministry
job
but my place is to stand ready
this is a something that can take me through years and years of ministry and support

what are you standing for?
what are you look for to come down the road?

 

what is worship?

last night i went to a worship concert @ a local club downtown.  first time i had been there and was quite excited.  Daniel Bashta and Jason Morant.  Having had a rough couple of days I would have taken any chance to forget about it all and boldly come into his presence.

as i was worshipping i began to think……this happens quit often…..but i was trying to push it out and let God love me…..it wasn’t working (or so i thought)

i got out my Blackberry and started typing as fast as i could

here are my thoughts…..

What is worship?
There are many styles..many expressions..but what is it?
Is it singing songs?
Is it praying?
Is it dancing?
Is it proclaiming His name in the streets?
Is it taking one for the team?
Is it giving everything up to live some where that no one knows your name?
Is it choosing to live and not die?
Is it simply waking up in the morning when there is nothing to live for?
Is it choosing joy?
Is it living in spite of yourself?
Are we only able to worship when things are good and the music is loud and the WORD is brought?
Can we worship where there is no stringed lyre?
When there is no one preaching the word?
Can we truly find God in a dark dungeon?
Can we cling to HIS life and promised when there is no hope?
No light? No air to breathe?
In your closet can you meet with the mighty one?
What are your experiences in worship?
Where has God been the most real?
When has heaven fallen on you the hardest?
When was the last time that you were breathless after worship….not from dancing or jumping…..but from meeting with the one that we call King??

 

there are no words…..

wednesdays have long been my favorite night of the week.
worship
serving
hanging out with some really cool kids
but recently there has been an added level of amazingness……
i don’t really know what to call us….
how to describe us…..
there are no words…..

a bunch of 20 somethings going to a restaurant right before they close
ordering food
laughing (sometimes way loud)
and closing down the place

we aren’t anything special….
just night owls (some of us pretend) who need to eat

the entertainment is not planned…..
we just start talking
and slowly out come the funny stories…..
“sweet bras”
“i do a lot in 24 hrs”
“pour some sugar on me”
fun times!!!!!!

i was thinking last night during SWITCH how lucky i am
not everything is going the way i want it to in my life…..
i do not have the picture perfect life that i have wanted and/or long for
but i finally have a group of friends, crazy as they may be, that i have prayed for for so long
they are quirky…..they are challenging….they are weird….
but they are my gift from God
and i will hold them close as long as God lets me!!!

 

expectantly

i am tired….
tired of running
tired of being sick
tired of living in the cycle
tired…..

this weekend i am going on a retreat….
i’ve been on a lot of retreats in my days and i know that God does some amazing things there….statically more is accomplished in a 2 days retreat then in 6 months to a year of other types of ministry….
and i am believing for that….

this retreat, unlike others that i have been on
is about me
my healing
my wholeness
my life complete in Christ
it is going to be intense
it is going to be more then i can handle at times

but God is doing something in my heart
God is breaking me apart
God is building in me something that i cannot not even begin to understand

i have a passion for ministry….
something that i want to do
something specific…..something that i am ready to throw my life into
but i cannot get to that place
i cannot walk in my future if i am not walking in the FREEDOM that God offers!!!

God i open my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my expectations, my hurts, my brokenness, my longing, my restlessness, my boredom, my apathy…..ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!

I WAIT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i come expectantly into your mighty arms!!!!