just around the riverbend……

i am struggling….
my emotions are everywhere….
so much is changing…….
and i can’t find my footing……

 i am getting ready to move…..i have moved a lot over the past few years so i am a bit of a pro at the packing the boxes and doing without for a while….

and while i am excited about my new roomie…..i am tired of constantly being in transition….the last year has been a transition…..i am ready for my life to settle……i want my home ….my family…..my life…..but it seems so far away…..
as i was doing some laundry and prelim packing last night i started to think about what it is gonna be like to pack up and move across “the pond” in obedience to God’s call?
will it be as difficult as this or will it be easier as i know i am doing what God has called me to do?
honestly it depends on how i move…..who will i be moving with?

i am dealing with a broken friendship that i have been avoiding for a year…..deep wounds that i have had the ability to run from for over a year that are now surfacing….

i want to run and hide
i want to get away from this part of my past
but God is a God of reconciliation and he needs me to fix this…..
before i can walk in what my future is i have to make some things right
but this is my least favorite part…..
the hardest part is that there is another strained relationship that is in my face that i need to fix….
but this one is going to be even harder
i hate that so much of my life seems to be dependent on something or someone that is not apart of my life……
i am tired of waiting…..
i am tired of hearing that strength will rise…..
i am weak…
i am lonely….
i want to understand what is happening in my heart…..
i want to know what God is doing!!!

the just around the river bend is the freakin NILE and i am at the mouth of the river and need to make it to the other end to find my place

 

complacient….content….or time to move on?

my girlfriends and i have been talking a lot about what is “just around the river-bend”
we are all in a place where we are waiting…..
each waiting on some thing different….
but still waiting…..

jobs are….unpleasant for all of us……
relationships: stressful ..growing slowly..and non existent ….
i feel like i am sitting on an airplane…..knowing my destination..but the plane is delayed….sitting in a tiny seat…no leg room….no good food….the tiniest bathroom in the world…and an annoying talker on one side…and a snoring “cuddler” on the other….
all i want to do is get off the freakin’ plane and jump in the ocean and swin across THE POND…..
in my heart i know in the end the plane will be the faster way
but sitting there in the uncomfortable situation of learning is RIDICULOUS!!!!!

but where is my frustration coming from?
am i discontent?
or is God preparing me for a move?

in my heart i long to be somewhere else…..my heart is England and planting a church….
planting seeds and watching them grow……
but there are things that i know that i need to take care of here….
learning…..growing…..waiting…..being submissive….all of that…..
(hence the airplane analogy and reference to the POND)

have you ever felt this way?

what do i do “in the mean time?”

 

 

 

how

how do i let him in?
how do i open my heart….a heart so wounded by life?
a heart that is longing for love…and has the chance to have it….but can’t allow him in?

Lord….heal the hurt…make me whole….let me open my heart to the one that you have given me…..help me open up to You and what you have….help me to step into the doors that you are opening….help me to understand what you are speaking….help me to listen to your heart!

Lord you are showing me my future….you are developing a heart for ministry and life…..you are giving me a passion for you and those who have no idea who you are…..
please clarify who i am and where you are leading me…..
take me deeper with you!!

 

living in what he has spoken

God….you have spoken life into my heart…..you have given me a clear vision….a clear path…..i pray that i can live in it!!! i pray that i can trust you…i pray that i will live in preparation for this…..i pray that i can stand ready before you!!!

 

i stand amazed….

there is one thing that i have learned from my God……
everything in my life is set into motion byt HIM….

if i live in belief of that…
i can understand how everything falls into place……

let me explain…
over the past few days i have been struggling with a “sin” in my life…..
it is something that creeps in and out of my life….causing me heartache and guilt….
i have been seeking the heart of God trying to understand why it is this particular sin that I struggle with……not that I want to invite another sin into my life…but I want to understand the root of this sin in my life….so that when it starts to happen i can better understand and address it…..
so I have been looking at this sin….looking at its effect on me…..and understanding it….
yesterday i left work early…the church that i am at was having a 12 hour prayer vigil yesterday…and i wanted to get in on some of that action……while driving i was listen to a message that a friend had given me over a week ago that I had not listened to yet…..it was on healing….while it was meant to deal with my cancer (i was healed a few weeks ago…woot woot!!)…the message that struck me the most was the message of being free from emotional hurts and habitual sins…..and as this was a place that God had me….i listened closely.
then at Switch (wed nite youth) Mark(youth pastor) was talking about in many ways the same thing…..but he approached it from the ARMOUR OF GOD angle…..taking up the things that God has already given us…..salvation (sanctification), this WORD, TRUTH and RIGHTEOUSNESS and choosing to live within these EVERYDAY!!! they are there….we just have to choose to access them……
so…my original point…..
God has been working in me for a while now…but very intensely over the last few days…..to address the power that HE has provided to me and to EVERY believer…….
i love that after attending Bible College…retreats…conmferences….seeing God’s hand move over and over……this moment…the things that I “saw” in my life last night…..
still in many ways leave me BREATHE LESS!!!!

Lord,
I long to never loose the sense of amazement when it comes to you. I long to experience you everyday…and in the little things see you and know that you are God…..i long to see you in the big things……the HUGE blessings that you are sending/have sent into my life…..I pray that I never loose sight of you!!!!
Your DEVOTED daughter,
cole