a retrospective look

12 I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. 13 For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my cancer surgery/diagnosis……..

I have had huge emotions

So much has happened in my life this last year!!

Huge things….

Healing ~ cancer…emotions….heart

Direction ~ missions….church planting…..

I could go on and on….

But there are some things that I had forgotten…..

When I was :given the news: I gave everything to God….

EVERYTHING

That is a vow…….that is a promise

So today I lift up thanks to a God that has changed me

 

the journey thus far

recently i took a slight step back in time
it wasn’t like i hopped in the delorian with Michael J Fox or anything
but i did get to revisit part of my life that changed so much about me….

last i went to see my oncologist
a word that no one wants to identify with
(before i had one of my every own, I pictured them as old men with no personality and super geeky)
mine however was a great, godly, sweet grandfather typed that provided much strength and compassion.

why do i have an oncologist?

this particular visit was my 6 month post chemo check
knowing that i was healed of this life altering disease, i was curious as to why my emotions where every where?
what was i afraid of?
what could possibly be before me that God had not already healed?

as i started the day i kept myself occupied at work
so much so that i almost left too late to get to my appointment
i walked in
not real sure i took a breath until i sat down in my seat
as i was waiting so many emotions flooded heart
questions swirled in my head
why me?
why was i healed?
i am the youngest one in this room…what these women must be thinking about me

then i started thinking about all the moments i had there….
you have to have surgery…NOW
95% sure its not cancer (stage 1 level 1)
small incesion…about the size of a quarter (little bit longer then a postcard…)

then my mind went to the treatment room across the hall
Kelly..my nurse (AMAZING lady!!)
the chair that i sat in every 3rd thursday
the IV drama (can we say pin cushion?)
the amazingly simple and beautiful worship that i had with God during the first treatment
the ease of the first weekend (minus a few bumps)
loosing my hair the morning of a friends wedding (shaved it the day after)
the scary 2nd treatment where my body rejected the medicine (almost shut down)
going to GLO where i was prayed over a healed
walking through 2 more treatments
2 more allergic reactions
being alone EVERY treatment weekend
not eating for 3 days because my roommate was gone and i could not get out of bed
having nothing in me and still puking
being suicidal (praise God for no energy to go through)
feeling more desperate and alone then i have ever felt in my life
being closer to God then i had ever experienced
God opening my heart to missions
having the strength to feel BALD & Beautiful!!!
knowing that on the day that i was diagnosed i gave everything to God

i cried a little as i was thinking about everything

the precidure went like i thought….short….
there is no more cancer…..
going in faithfulness

before my last treatment, God loved on me through His word

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the LORD surrounds his people
both now and forevermore.
psalms125 1:2

God taught me so much through this experience
he humbled me
he broke me
he changed everything about me
i am a different person

one of my students looked at me the other day and was like
:i completely forgot that you had cancer:
it made me smile

the healing is something that i have struggled with
why me?
how do i share?
will i always be the :cancer conquorer:

i want to share what God has done
but i am an introvert (most of the time)
i am a background girl
making the suttle impact through faithfulness and obedience

(i have dreams of sharing on a stage…book tour…all of that…)

as i continuew to process all of this
continue to make sense of what he wants to do through all of this
i pray that i can remain humble
gentle
quiet
worshipful
obedient
but most of all
peaceful

 

milestones

1 year ago today my cyst, whom we lovingly referred to as Mellie, ruptured for the first time.  Little did I know how much my life would change over the next year!!

this afternoon i went for my first post-cancer follow up.  i am not real sure how often i have to go back or what all the visits will entail….but today was a important for a few reasons……

~ when i went to see the Dr. last June he said on top of everything else that i Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome…..PCOS…and that it needed to be regulated by birth control…..not being a huge fan of the pill this was particularly hard for me.  after chemo, i started the pill…at first it was fine…but i have grown increasingly irritable and moody and have eaten EVERYTHING that i can get my hands on over the last month…..today i asked the dr if i could stop taking the pill..how important was it to my health that i be on it….he said that it would be ok if i stopped!!!  NO MORE LITTLE WHITE PILLS!!!!!!
~ the second concern was the future of my uterus.   in the hospital after my surgery my dr said that i have 3-5 years to have a family and then i would have to have a hysterectomy…..always wanting a family and having no one to have a family with…this was very hard for me to take……so today i asked him about it……and guess what!!! when i am done having my family (whenever that is) i have to have a hysterectomy!!!  that brings so much peace to me….takes some pressure off as well……

other then that….there is nothing else to report…….
now to my thoughts on it all……….
it has been a crazy year!!!!!   a new job……health problems……a serious surgery….chemo…..healing…..moving (3 times!!!!)……trusting………
there have been many highs and lows this year……moments of complete surrender….moments of complete rejoicing!!!!…..
moments of knowing God is holding me so tight there was nothing that i can do to get away from HIM (not that i wanted to mind you)

i have learned to trust in His name and POWER and God has provided exceedingly, abundantly above what I could have asked or imagined. 
I have found love…….
i have found peace…..
i have found my place…..
there is nothing aside from HIM WHO LOVES ME!!!!!!!!

 

waiting quietly

last night i reached a point of desperation……and then a beautiful place of peace……

it has been a little over a week since i got the all clear from the doctors from the cancer…..
(so YEAH!!!!)
but since the appointment…i have been almost numb…..
getting the all clear stressed me out…in a major way…..

i had spent so much time focusing on the chemo….getting through that…..
understanding what i was facing and focusing on God….
that when i did not have that….my life became a basket turnover……
i was back to a place of too many question marks……
add a stressful work week on to it and i felt like a hampster running on the wheel….
loosing his footing and being tossed around before the wheel finely stops…..

while i was getting things ready for SWITCH last night…
i began to sweat….i could not stop…..it was pouring off of me….
my first thought was hormones…..adjusting to a “normal life”….
i got some water and set down by myself for a little while……
i began to breathe…..
i began to pray and sit quietly and receive what God had for me……
this is what i typed into my cell phone as i did not have my journal….

I claim you as Lord of all that I am and all that you are making me into….

you are my bright and morning star…you are the healer of my heart…

you are my husband….you are my love…..my all powerful God…

wanting nothing but the best for your daughter….

desiring life…..desiring my heart…..broken…fractured….

happy and satisfied…..believing in you Father…

i don’t have to come perfect, happy or complete…..

i just have to come…i just have to trust and know YOU!!!

i will wait quietly….

i will trust in YOUR mighty hand…..

as worship started….i stayed in a place of quietness….
in a posture to receive……
expecting nothing more then to meet with my Jesus…
to allow him to calm my fears….to quiet the raging sea…..

one of my girls….whom i love dearly…..is in a similar place…..
she came to me very frustrated….much like i had just been….
as she cried….i saw my life….i saw the tears that i could not cry……
i saw the restlessness in her eyes that was so familiar…..
i prayed for her…
i prayed she would find that peace and that quiet….
i prayed God would be all that she needed….
i prayed the words for myself as well…..

God proved faithful…..as he always does…..
God allowed me to be touched my him….God gave me strength……
it is not going to be an easy road ahead of me…..
i will be fighting my flesh….
fighting all that I am so that i can get past the lies that i have believed….
understanding God….
understanding myself….
understanding love

God…this is going to be a crazy journey…

it is crazy that you are reminding me how i am so much like Sarah…..

i have created Ishmael’s while waiting for my Issac….

today….i wait for my Issac…whatever it is…

however long it takes…..

i will wait quietly

 

in the depths

this past weekend was a weekend filled with loneliness…..

i had a treatment on Thursday……not as bad as the last one..but rough in its own right……

Friday i was great…..but as soon as i got off on Friday i got in the bed….and pretty much did not leave from there until Monday morning around 10:00……..

i had a lot of time to think……a lot of time to be nauseous…..a lot of time to watch the few channels that I get in my room…….needless to say….it was a LONG weekend…..

during my “downtime” i began to ponder all that has been going on in my life during the last few days/weeks/months/years………

i thought back over the provisions…..i thought back over the hurts……i thought back over the joy…..

but mostly i thought about the loneliness that i have felt over the years………..

it is not that i have been all that lonely……but it is the “pain” of my life………always wanting someone in my life….a physical person to be there…….thus leading to long periods of sustained loneliness as people are always walking out on me…….

especially during my journey with cancer……

i have fewer friends now then i have ever had in my life……

i keep hearing all these stories of how people have stepped up and been helped by there friends during the tough times and really been taken care of….and that is not the case for me…..

don’t get me wrong…..i am being taken care of in many ways……but emotionally and in some ways physically…… i feel as if i have been left out in the desert….walking by myself…….

this place is from the Lord…..it is a place that he has me….there is something is need to experience……..