i am sitting in my fav Starbucks here in the ‘ham trying to take a few minutes and process all that has been going on. it is hard as i have not written in my journal or blogged in days because my heart has been broken and put back together only to be shattered again. it has been difficult. this has been one of the roughest months of my life. sometimes listening to God and walking in complete faith is harder then we ever could have imagined. there are things that i have faced in the last few weeks that were way harder then cancer/chemo. people are hurtful. they don’t always mean to, but we are punks! (i am of course including myself in this category).
when everything came spiraling out of control last week, for the first time i stopped and cried. i had no choice actually. everything had built up inside of me and there was nothing that i could do. it just came, like raging rapids. like a tornado getting ready fir mass destruction, i was broken. everything in me was laid out before our great big God. i have cried in his lap before. i have been in a place where i felt like i lost everything before, but something about this brokenness was different. something i could not place my hand/heart on.
then it hit me. (in a really random place)………….i asked for this.
this summer when i was in china, God was speaking to my heart about some pretty major things. changes and challenges. things he started a long time ago. things i was just beginning to understand about his heart.
while it was a vague picture at the beginning, he began to paint more defined strokes into the picture of me heart.
slowly i began to see things that he had spoken ten years ago….five years ago….2 years ago…3 months ago all coming together in a beautiful glimpse of my future. he began to show me the woman that i was always meant to be.
a wife ~ a help meet
a mom ~ supporter of broken hearts and big dreams
a friend ~ no matter what there for the person that God has placed closest to you
a minister ~ to love and point others to the bigger picture.
there are still things that i am waiting for clarity on, but there will always be things in our hearts that we are longing for…that is what keeps us connected with God. keeps us longing for his heart. for his truth.
God whatever you are bringing…..let it be
I hope things get better for you.
Love you girl.
sometimes we pray and nothing happens at first… then after walking around for 7 days the walls come tumbling down. God is faithful. He always has been and always will be.
I love you.
nicole,
so i’ve kept up with you through this thing for quite some time. i read about your struggles and all that you’re going through, and by reading about it, it keeps you in my prayers. you are so completely honest about everything which is something i still work on. this post, though, really did something, especially since i’m replying. i can attest, more than anything in my life, to how God works. it’s funny, cause i’ll be going through something – and then BAM – i remember my prayers for me to be more “loving, caring, bold….etc”. I don’t know if you saw Evan Almighty, but there’s this idea from it that God doesn’t give you courage, or patience when you ask for it. He gives you more opportunities to be more courageous or more patient. I KNOW without doubt that He hears our cries, but I also know without a doubt His ways are completely different than ours. They are holy.
I know this reply is long, but this is going to make it longer…but it’s worth it. This is one of my most favorite poems. In the world.
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
- William Cowper
i love you girl. i’m sorry for my hurt towards you in the past. i pray you can forgive me for that.
deena
I love u Cole… I will continue to pray for your strength daily. God will bring you through this. Hasn’t he already shown you his awesomeness & almighty power…look where you are now as opposed to where you where 7yrs ago. Be as strong as I know you are. Later….
And here’s one of my fav songs
“I don’t understand your ways,
Oh but I will give you my song.
I give you all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain.
With it you are pulling me closer
Pulling me into your ways.
Now round every corner and up every mountain
I’m not looking for crowns or the water from fountains
I’m desperately seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of your face is all that I’m needing.
And I will say to you
It’s gonna be worth it, it’s gonna be worth it,
It’s gonna be worth it all, I believe”
You are bold and courageous.
You go where he says go, you follow his voice and walk in his ways with no restraint. I know that it’s because you trust him.
Trust him completely. Trust in his love that is bringing you to relationship with him that deep in your heart, you know you would go through anything to get to.
How beautiful your heart is Nicole!