a humbled heart

talking a a friend about some stuff in her life…..

this is what she said……

holding on is an expression of my fear.
Fear that losing :his face: diminishes the validity of God’s plan, way, purpose.
The truth is…it has nothing to do with me.

crazy to think that she and i are in similar places

12 I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. 13 For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my cancer surgery/diagnosis……..

I have had huge emotions

So much has happened in my life this last year!!

Huge things….

Healing ~ cancer…emotions….heart

Direction ~ missions….church planting…..

I could go on and on….

But there are some things that I had forgotten…..

When I was :given the news: I gave everything to God….

EVERYTHING

That is a vow…….that is a promise

So today I lift up thanks to a God that has changed me

its july 4th…..i am home alone….just like last year….
so much has changed
last year i was getting ready to have surgery…..getting ready to face the biggest battle of my life
this year i am home alone….packing for china…..

God has done so much in a year
He has changed everything about me
i am not where near the same person that i was
not only am i a cancer survivor…..i am a true and loving child of God
things are different for me now
my heart is no longer my own
it belongs to God
he is directing my paths
he is making me the woman that I need to be

i have been dealing with some of my demons lately
not huge demons
but they are mine
being single
being rejected (at least feeling that way constantly)
constantly wanting something else, something more, something different
i have be challenged to settle
not give up on my dreams, but to find peace in Christ

i have been pondering over the last few days if it is from God or a distraction before china
God thwarts us into an understanding of his love, his will, his heart, his desires, simply HIM!!!
more then this is a temptation, i believe that this is what God is doing.
don’t get me wrong, Satan is trying his best to mess with my head, but I am living in the freedom that God has given me over the last year.

i struggle with being alone
i struggle with wanting more

is it going to be like this forever? am i always going to be wanting more? will i ever be satisfied with God. what is it that i am missing about the heart of God.