if you have known me any length of time you know that i want to be married.
more then anything……(well not more then living in God’s will)
but i believe that God has given me the desire for marriage so i wait for what he is bringing into my life
but lately it has been increasingly hard
its not necessarily that friends are getting married and i am not
i love that my friends have found there :mates: and that they are enjoying married life…i hope to learn from them
i am realizing more and more that my struggle with being single is the fact that God is defining me more and showing me that i am going to be MOVING half way around the world……
this is not something that i want to do alone
i can be independent
but inside i am longing for someone to share my life with
i read a blog today about one man’s journey to find forgiveness and love in brokenness. beautiful story.
it made me :miss: and :long: for someone that i have not met yet.
where ever :my love: is i pray he is protected and knows that someone, somewhere loves him…..
all of him!!!!!!
for years i have had the mentality that my life is never gonna start
some days it feels like i am standing in the gift wrap line at a major department store and its CHRISTMAS….the sign says :now serving number 36: i look down only to find that i am holding a ticket and much to my dismay my number is 10, 478….luckily there are a few people behind me so i know that i am not alone…….
but that does not help the way my heart feels
:alone:
:achy:
i believe there is a perfect time for everything and that if we are not careful we can create
:idols:
anything that comes before God
:anything:
:everything:
even my desire for love and romance
even my deisre for ministry
everything can become something that dishonors God
we :i: have to choose everyday to take a deep breathe
embrace my place in whatever line i find myself standing in
and know that there is something bigger happening
there is a plan for me
a reason that i am embracing this place
something that i need to understand
:::::::life has already started:::::::
last night i went to a worship concert @ a local club downtown. first time i had been there and was quite excited. Daniel Bashta and Jason Morant. Having had a rough couple of days I would have taken any chance to forget about it all and boldly come into his presence.
as i was worshipping i began to think……this happens quit often…..but i was trying to push it out and let God love me…..it wasn’t working (or so i thought)
i got out my Blackberry and started typing as fast as i could
here are my thoughts…..
What is worship?
There are many styles..many expressions..but what is it?
Is it singing songs?
Is it praying?
Is it dancing?
Is it proclaiming His name in the streets?
Is it taking one for the team?
Is it giving everything up to live some where that no one knows your name?
Is it choosing to live and not die?
Is it simply waking up in the morning when there is nothing to live for?
Is it choosing joy?
Is it living in spite of yourself?
Are we only able to worship when things are good and the music is loud and the WORD is brought?
Can we worship where there is no stringed lyre?
When there is no one preaching the word?
Can we truly find God in a dark dungeon?
Can we cling to HIS life and promised when there is no hope?
No light? No air to breathe?
In your closet can you meet with the mighty one?
What are your experiences in worship?
Where has God been the most real?
When has heaven fallen on you the hardest?
When was the last time that you were breathless after worship….not from dancing or jumping…..but from meeting with the one that we call King??
if you have paid attention to my tweets or my blog today then you are aware that i have been have a terrible, horrible no good, very bad day…..i could write a cute book about it…but no one would read it…
on top of the terrible, horrible no good, very bad day
my life is quit boring
but back to the reason for a new more uplifting post
when i need clarity…i clean…..
and as i am at work
my desk and cubie have been the victims of my most recent binge
during my recent tornadeo i found a few things that struck me……
i found a prayer that i wrote out in frustration about a year ago
Lord I trust in you to
give me the desires of my heart
as long as they align with yours
if anything in my life does not meet with your heart
for me~ please break it free
no matter how hard i may cling to it
i want nothing in this world but you
looking back the Lord TOTALLY answered this prayer…..
and the struggles i have now are partly due to this clinging thing….
and the sad thing~~
i knew it was coming
i felt it….
i sensed it….
but i was too overwhelmed to stand against it…..
i am feeling invisible……
i am feeling worthless….
i know it is not true
i am a child of God
i am a reflection of him
but today
i can’t breathe
i can’t stop crying
i need to feel loved
i need to know that i am needed
i need to know that i am lovable
