a humbled heart

my mind is going 90 miles a minute
i cannot sleep at night
thinking about all that is going on (not that there is alot)
but i am restless…..
Lord i want to find peace
i want to rest in you

at one point in my life i cried at everything……a sappy commerical….. a good movie…sometimes even a bad movie….
i was extremely emotional…..
and many people pointed it out to me whenever they could……
i have turned off the tears over time
i have become less visibally emotional
i keep it bottled up inside
don’t let anyone knwo that something is not ok

i am so tired of doing this though….
it is no longer worth it

for the past week i have been on the verge of tears
even as i write this i am so broken
so frustrated
i am trusting God with is all…..
but when you are dealing with old wounds…deep hurts….
things you honestly did not realize that were there…
it can be very intense

this is where i find myslef….
looking at the things in my heart
the pain from years of hiding and feeling worthless all coming out
realizing the strongholds in my life
understanding my triggers (what takes me to the desperate places?)

i know that i need to sit in it
i need to understand what it all means
i just wish the tears were not still locked up inside of me

so much is going on in my head right now…..crazy things…….God is revealing plans and dreams and a life for me that is “exceedingly and abundantly above what I can ask or imagine” eph 3:20
there has been a lot of stress over the past few weeks…a lot of it self imposed…..but God is slowly remolding my thinking to his and thus changing the drama into an even killed life……..
it is a beautiful thing……..
i do not know what the future holds….but i know who holds it…..
i do not know where i will be in 6 months/a year/5 years…….and i don’t want to know….all i want to do is walk in HIM….walk toward a God that loves me……..live in what he has planned for me!!!!!

Savior, he can move the mountains……my God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save……forever, author of salvation…..he rose and conquered the grave……shine your light and let the earth earth see….we’re singing for the glory of the risen king……

all for the GLORY of the King who took it all ……who gave it all for our lives to be FREE and BEAUTIFUL!!!!
not to take all the stress away….to make everything easy….there are times when we need to struggle to find the answers……

for we know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.   James 1:3&4

there is nothing more beautiful then living under authority. 

last night i was with some of my favorite people….the student leadership team at highlands….they are an amazing group of kids that love God and are chasing after His heart in a mighty mighty way!!! it is a beautiful thing to see these kids encounter God……
as we were praying and worshiping last night, I started to read in Isaiah….a passage that God gave me before i started Chemo….it was heavy on my heart…..here is what i read….

But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:8-10

Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen one in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him and he will bring justice to the nations. He will not shout or cry out, or raise his voice in the streets. A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. In his law the islands will put their hope. this is what God the LORD says— he who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it: “I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

after reading this passage…mark called us all together…he issued a challenge to encounter God…to see a revelation from His word…..he talked about what God has been doing and how he has been changing lives of students because of the prayers that they have prayed……
i think these passages fit these kids…..God is raising them up to speak Justice…to speak truth and love….to change a generation!!!! I love these kids and I love that i get to apart of there lives…investing in them as they are taking the LOVE OF GOD TO THE STREETS!!!!!
I am humbled to be a part of this……

last night as i was helping to clean up at church from the Cajun Dinner Theatre and i overheard a conversation.  (i try not to actually listen to others conversations, but i have incredible hearing…..this has lead to some trouble) but this is a converstaion that i am glad that i heard….

the conversation was between a guy that works with the high school ministry and what i am assuming was an interns family.   the mother was talking to the boy who seemed very attentive….there was small talk that i quickly dismissed, but there was a phrase that left me somewhat perplexed…… yet hopeful!

“you’re made for each other….so know we are watching you“

anyone who knows anything about me knows that i have a huge desire to be married……lots of people have this same desire…but for me its different.  My heart is ministry and supporting my husband in his ministry.  during this time….my time of singleness and service….is a time of preparation…..i am taking every oppurtunity to learn as much as i can

i have been thinking a lot about marriage over the years…..and as i have grown in my faith, my views on relationships have changed……but there has been one thing that has been solidified in my heart ……..

marriage is like a song…..there is the melody….the driving beat…..it sets the tone, the rhythm……this is the husbands role.     then you have the harmony……this is the back up…..it supports the driving beat…..to make the melody better….to accent….this is the role of a wife.     a simple way to view the roles in a marriage.   a song has high points and low points….there are tense moments….there are beautfil bridges that bring peace…….

i know it is not a perfect view…..but as one who loves music and sees her life in a role of support for a man in full time ministry, i need to know my place….when it is my time to talk and act and when it is time to step back and let him sing….and when he needs me, i can come in and be an accent!    

i am ready to sing……ready to be a harmony made for a melody that is living to Glofiy God with all that we are!!!