something to chew on

talking a a friend about some stuff in her life…..

this is what she said……

holding on is an expression of my fear.
Fear that losing :his face: diminishes the validity of God’s plan, way, purpose.
The truth is…it has nothing to do with me.

crazy to think that she and i are in similar places

 

a retrospective look

12 I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. 13 For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my cancer surgery/diagnosis……..

I have had huge emotions

So much has happened in my life this last year!!

Huge things….

Healing ~ cancer…emotions….heart

Direction ~ missions….church planting…..

I could go on and on….

But there are some things that I had forgotten…..

When I was :given the news: I gave everything to God….

EVERYTHING

That is a vow…….that is a promise

So today I lift up thanks to a God that has changed me

 

A year ago

its july 4th…..i am home alone….just like last year….
so much has changed
last year i was getting ready to have surgery…..getting ready to face the biggest battle of my life
this year i am home alone….packing for china…..

God has done so much in a year
He has changed everything about me
i am not where near the same person that i was
not only am i a cancer survivor…..i am a true and loving child of God
things are different for me now
my heart is no longer my own
it belongs to God
he is directing my paths
he is making me the woman that I need to be

i have been dealing with some of my demons lately
not huge demons
but they are mine
being single
being rejected (at least feeling that way constantly)
constantly wanting something else, something more, something different
i have be challenged to settle
not give up on my dreams, but to find peace in Christ

i have been pondering over the last few days if it is from God or a distraction before china
God thwarts us into an understanding of his love, his will, his heart, his desires, simply HIM!!!
more then this is a temptation, i believe that this is what God is doing.
don’t get me wrong, Satan is trying his best to mess with my head, but I am living in the freedom that God has given me over the last year.

i struggle with being alone
i struggle with wanting more

is it going to be like this forever? am i always going to be wanting more? will i ever be satisfied with God. what is it that i am missing about the heart of God.

 

i’m a cheese cube

lately i have praying about God expanding me
taking me to new places in ministry
so that i can become more well rounded for what lies ahead

something that i have discovered about myself
i am a visionary
i am a dreamer
i have a great imagination
i can walk in a room and see what furniture needs to move in order for it to :flow better:
this is hard
i am constantly looking ahead
making changes
never taking a breath

hence the frustration i am finding myself in with God

i want to be in England
:i am preparing for that today:
i want to be married
:i am waiting for my prince:
i want to have a family
:i am learning to be a better mom by keeping others kids:
i want to be in ministry
:i have a ministry….i have influence:
i want to love people
:doing that now:
i want to listen
:again….doing that now:
i want to open my home and heart to those hurting
:working on this one…and doing it now:
i want queso
:God is feeding me cubed cheese:

its not a bad thing….
its cheese…and cheese is NEVER a bad thing

but it is not the cheese i want

so my prayer is changing
i’ll keep you posted on what i learn……
(maybe well get some Gouda, or brie next time!!

 

two weeks

two weeks from today i will be in the air

i will take a REALLY long flight

my life will be forever changed

a month from now i will be on a flight back

with so many stories of God’s love

so much in my heart

this has been an incredible journey

i cannot wait to see what happens…….

please pray for my team….

the kids are starting to share the attacks they have been under…..

the obstacles are huge…..

but God is bigerr!!!

he will change our lives and the lives of those we come in contact with